Confessions of an Expat: How to Talk Dirty to Any Traveler

Confessions of an Expat: How to Talk Dirty to Any Traveler

Confessions of an Expat: How to Talk Dirty to Any Traveler
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Confessions of an Expat: How to Talk Dirty to Any Traveler

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It’s funny what turns you on as a kid, and even funnier to to see how that changes over time as you grow up. What once might have got me all excited and giggly as a kid just doesn’t do it for me anymore. No matter how much root beer I find when I open the fridge, I won’t share the same excitement I would have at the age of 11 and no friend telling me their parents are gone for the weekend is going to have the same effect it did on me in high school. And so it goes, from year to year, what excites us changes and what turns us on and off does as well. One thing will always stay the same however, we all still get turned on and if you want to talk dirty to any traveler, here is how to do it.

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4) “We have free wifi” –  Like hearing your friend stole a six pack from their parents basement, being told you are somewhere with free wifi just makes the day or night a bit better. In this day and age it really isn’t cool to not offer free wifi, but some places still try to charge for it. A 24 hour wifi code will run you $20 at some high hotels and don’t even try to get wifi on a cruise or you’ll be paying the better part of $30 an hour. So while free wifi might not be as exciting as a warm can of beer in middle school, it sure is exciting and way more productive – unless you use the money you save to buy a round.

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“While not as exciting as paying a visit to Pacific Sunwear or Abercrombie and Fitch  to buy new clothes in high school, the only thing that matters while traveling is finding a way to keep the clothes you do have clean…”

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3) “You can use my car” – There is no better feeling then when you board that plane for a far off land and leave your car behind, or better yet have sold your car altogether. However, just like having access to your Mom’s mini van in high school for that hot date, having a friend on the road with a car is super awesome and nothing to be taken for granted. Have you ever tried getting from LAX to Pasadena using public transportation? I didn’t think so, which is exactly why having a friend with a car in most cities around the world is incredibly handy. A car was freedom in high school (plus one million cool points) and it is freedom today. So while you might not be needing a car these days to meet your friends in the park at 11pm and sketch out the whole neighborhood, having a car is better than taking three buses and walking two miles any day of the week, especially with a backpack on stuffed with all of your dirty clothes, which brings us to number three.

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2) “We have a washing machine” – Clean clothes are something we all take for granted when we are off the road, but as soon as we hit the road again, having somewhere to clean your clothes is of upmost importance. While not as exciting as paying a visit to Pacific Sunwear or Abercrombie and Fitch  to buy new clothes in high school, the only thing that matters while traveling is finding a way to keep the clothes you do have clean. Plus, even if you are washing your jeans and socks in the small sink of a shared bathroom in a hostel at least your pants earned the tattered and torn look through world exploration instead of spending $89.99 for a pair of pre-frayed shorts at A&F back in 1999.

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1) “I’ve got an extra room you can crash in” – The equivalent to the girl you had a crush on in 9th grade telling you her Mom wasn’t coming up until later, telling any traveler you have an extra room will have the same effect…ok maybe a bit less exciting. We all need a roof over our heads, and while some are happy to simply sleep in the middle of central park for the night (we’ll save that story for later), most enjoy the knowledge of knowing they have somewhere safe and preferably indoors to lay their heads at night. Offering an extra room, bed, couch or even floor to a traveler is just about as good as it gets – although, let’s face it, nothing beats someone’s parents not being home in high school. And while it might not be as exciting as rounding first base and heading for second, nothing beats a free place to stay on the road – and who knows, some great relationships start on the road, so you might get waved home anyway.

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**BONUS** “We’ve got hot water” – Anyone who travels a bit more off the beaten path will appreciate this one and what a hot shower can mean to someone slumming it through mountains of Northern Vietnam for a couple weeks. Taking a long overdue hot shower on the road is almost as good as an out of control pool party in high school. While it might lack the drinks, girls, laughs and shenanigans of a Friday night in 11th grade, you’re still having a party, a party for one. And anything is better than bathing in that bucket of cold rain water for the fifth night in a row.

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So there you have it, the best ways to talk dirty to any traveler. It’s funny how most of us grew up with all of the things listed, yet probably never thought twice about taking a hot shower or using the family wifi as particularly luxurious. And while nothing beats the excitement of teenage trouble making, it’s the little things that matter most on the road. While I’ve been able to walk into a store and buy beer for almost a decade and all of my friends parents are always gone for the night (because most of them live 500 miles away), it really is funny to see how things change over time. However, in the end, all that matters is that there are still things in our lives that turn us on and while it might have been going to see a PG-13 movie with that cute girl in high school, today I’m happy to say that a hot shower, a clean bed (or dirty couch) and free wifi is just fine and will keep me happy for a long time. So find what turns you on in life, go after it, chase it and never stop searching for that which excites you – unless it is just finding wifi to post a picture of your espresso on Instagram.

*Photo provided from Flickr by Tito Tito Juga

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.H . jeffjohnsheadshotJeff Johns is the co-founder and editor of Latitude 34 Travel Blog. Through 65 countries on 6 continents he has accumulated a seemingly endless stream of odd information, interesting stories and helpful tips and tricks to better travel. Jeff’s goal is to visit all 204 countries on Earth before he is too senile to remember them all. A graduate of the Visual Journalism program at the Brooks Institute, his true passions lay in honest visual storytelling, documentary filmmaking, Thai food and a good laugh. Together with his girlfriend Marina, they run Latitude 34 Travel Blog as a source of helpful information for those who love to travel or those who simply dream of it. If you have a comment or suggestion, send them an email at hello@latitudethirtyfour.com and they’ll respond super fast!

25 COMMENTS

  1. This post really made me smile. As soon as I started to read about the ‘free wifi’ I was giggling away. I took one look at my husband who completely agreed; there is nothing that compares with the ability to communicate with others free of charge after being far from civilisation for days. Hot water and clean clothes are taken as a liberty until you have neither – but for some reason we would all prefer it this way when you start to think about the alternatives! :)

    • Haha, nothing like a good adventure with no internet or hot water, but man does it feel good when you get it back!

  2. Love this article! All of these are so true and a travelers dream if they here any of these. I think the free wifi is huge in today’s society especially as a travel blogger because hotels throughout the world are just trying their hardest to get as many extra funds from you as they can. I honestly think that whenever I read the words ‘free wifi’ on a hotel advertisement, I have to rub my eyes and read it again to make sure I am not dreaming, simply because of the rarity nowadays.

    Ah and then you have the free rooms or cheap room offer. How good is this when you meet up with a fellow traveler or a friend who offers for you to crash with them for free or split a room!

    Great article guys!
    Chris Boothman recently posted…Las Vegas (Photo Gallery)My Profile

    • It’s the little things that matter, I’m telling you. Travel is made up of hundreds of little things that either make a day better or worse, heres to hoping we all stumble across the good ones!

  3. Great post. Crazy how different our perception of ‘added bonuses’ may be based upon our surroundings. The Hot Water has always been a hook, line and sinker for me but I’ve currently also added ‘We have a backup generator’ to the list and/or, we offer free candles…
    Must admit I found myself excited over a free candle last night, and not even remotely ashamed. Much to the dismay of my high school self.
    Jonny Jenkins recently posted…Amateur GeologistMy Profile

    • Haha, totally agree Jonny! I contemplated writing this post just for super adventure travelers as I would have killed for some semi warm water and a candle at various points in Bangladeshi villages and African townships over the years. Thought more travelers would relate to the more “luxury” items such as a bed and wifi haha, but totally understand your thoughts too!

  4. Ha ha, that title had me laughing. Excellent “dirty” talk. We met up with some travelers who are passing through our town on their RTW journey. One boy really hit it off with my son, so we invited him over. What excited him most about our place? The Nintendo DS? The Xbox? Nope. It was the free WiFi.
    Michele {Malaysian Meanders} recently posted…Up on Penang HillMy Profile

  5. I know I was excited immediately. These are exactly the things your average traveler fantasizes about. They may fluctuate a bit depending on what kind of travel you’ve been doing most recently, but they’re all spot on. I’ve stood under many a lukewarm shower spray and thanked the heavens above it wasn’t icy cold. There’s nothing like warm water. On the other hand, I’ve also felt the guilt associated with taking said shower back in the US or somewhere similar and just letting the hot water run over my body for five minutes or so. I often need to just turn it off. As for free WiFi…don’t even get me started. Clearly we’re all in agreement here on that. Thanks for a fun post!
    Tamara recently posted…Destination USA: NASCARMy Profile

    • Haha, this is a great addition to the list! Nothing is better than a hotel which takes the bit of extra initiative to provide high quality bathing products.

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